Fiction

Some stories I’ve written.

The zombie apocalypse has begun. Only, instead of grunting, the zombies all constantly sing the last song they heard before they died. Surprisingly, many of them sound quite good.

Hold, monsters! Ere your zombie horde
Proceed, against our will, to eat us all,
Just bear in mind that we are members of the governing board
And Harry is a Major-General!

Also, to the tune of Tea for Two:

I'm discontented
the songs I've lamented
the zombies demented
have sung.

While putting your favorite condiment on a sandwich, you accidentally make a magical occult symbol and summon a demon.

“That wasn't a sigil, that was a squiggle!”

In a library that covers an entire planet, the inhabitants fall into tribes based on section titles, with the most popular sections being the most powerful. You were born to the Biographies tribe.

“Fiction?⸺fiction‽ You want to marry someone from fiction⁈⁉” Not only was my father using unusual forms of punctuation, but he had also started turning a most interesting shade of purple. I will admit that this wasn't entirely unexpected, though I hadn't anticipated that he would break out the entire type case in the process. “I cannot have the heir to the entirety of 920^{Biography, genealogy, insignia} married to someone from fiction!”

You receive a call on a Sunday afternoon, and as you pick up, the speaker asks “Is your refrigerator running?” Tired of the same old prank, you turn around to notice your refrigerator has disappeared.

“I just saw it going down the driveway! It trampled all my azaleas!”

Afraid to confess your feelings, you send an unsigned note to your friend. It reads, “I am in love with you. Give this to the one you love. If I get it back, I'll tell you.”

The letter was very confused.

When it was first written, it thought it might have been a love letter, from the way the writer labored over the words. But the way the pen felt made it doubt that. Most love letters weren't written by someone who was so nervous their hands shook.

Every single “Walks into a bar” joke has occurred at the same bar. You are the bartender.

“You host bar jokes?” I asked, incredulous.

“Well, where did you think they took place? Here, of course! Are you interested in the job, or not? I have a contingent of mathematicians coming in this morning and I need to get ready for them.”